Skeletons, Turkeys, and Orphans

Closing a good show is always bittersweet, but closing Polaroid Stories this weekend was almost painful. YES, it feels great to finally leave the dark world the show sits in. And my body is THRILLED to get more than 5 hours of sleep every night. But I miss the people. I miss the family. I miss having somewhere to go. I always think my Capricorn is showing when I let my need to be involved take over. Capricorn’s body emphasis is on the skeleton. The bones. The framework.  And so Capricorns (and me) have this insatiable need to be apart of that framework, a piece that holds everything together. So here we are post-show… and I’m feeling a little lost.

And Thanksgiving is fast approaching, which is not helping this orphaned feeling. It’s my first Thanksgiving away from home and from my family. I’ve had multiple plans fall through (including NYC for the parade—boo), so right now it’s looking like turkey sandwiches and wine with one of my roommates who’s also staying in town. We’ll be each other’s family… and that’s something to be grateful for. Also, it looks like I will be heading to the city for Black Friday and general mischief with Robbie whose been held captive in Reno on a Hairspray contract for the last 4 months, so THAT’S awesome. But, yeah. I’m a little mad because I said I wouldn’t let myself get homesick… and I am, just a smidge. But hey, only one more month. PS. Miami, I’ll be in town for 3 ½ weeks. Watch out!

And it’s ironic that while I’m swimming around in all these feelings I’ve managed to watch Annie twice in the last three days. The newer movie version on Sunday at our cast party (don’t ask), and then again with the original version on ABC Family tonight. I have no shame in admitting that I think Annie is a fantastically underrated musical, that unfortunately has been destroyed by community and school theatre. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Annie and Pocahontas. And I think back to my senior year of high school, when I learned why I was so attracted to them. We were discussing Jung’s archetypes, and drawing (attracting) ours out of a deck of cards. I ended up with Networker and Liberator. This still blows my mind. The fact that out of a deck of 50+ cards THESE were the two I chose.

Networker:

Light Attributes—Enhances unity through the sharing of information. Engenders social awareness and empathy.

Shadow Attributes—Conveys information only for personal gain. Spreads fear and falsehood.

Liberator:

Light Attributes—Freeing yourself and others from outmoded beliefs. Releasing negative thought patterns.

Shadow Attributes—Imposing your own tyranny over those you claim to liberate. Ignoring legitimate constraints.

Yes. Yes to it all.  Both Annie and Pocahontas are networkers and liberators. And I am too. It’s my job.

And it’s funny because I look back at all this now and remember when I first got these two years ago I was SO resistant to these Shadow Attributes. And I was so insistent that I wasn’t falling into those things. But I’m growing up—or getting older rather (screw growing up). I can see those things more clearly now. I love to play in all that light, but I know I have the capacity for that darkness. And I can be specific about it. I recognize when I do those things. Spreading fear. Imposing tyranny.

So we should acknowledge the shadows is basically what I’m trying to say. And when I say “we” I’m mostly talking to myself. Why is it so hard to take out own advice? I guess that’s a topic for another blog post, but not this one. Back to the shadows. Embracing that. Embracing the ugly and what’s hiding under the bed. I think it deepens our work. When we can stop trying to make our characters likable, and open up to the idea that they are HUMAN… and human’s totally suck sometimes. We all do. Finding that dark passenger inside of us (Dexter reference, hey!). The dormant murder, abuser, addict. It’s there… it’s just up to us to open that channel. (Again, let me be clear—I’m talking about acting and theatre here). Like today in Viewpoints we were playing with Behavioral Gesture. A horror movie. Well I’m TERRIFIED of scary movies. I don’t watch them.  I can’t watch them. And the first image that popped into my head was the girl from The Ring. And it freaks me out, but instead of running around and screaming or hiding from her I became her. Took my hair down, threw it in front of my face, and walked unbearably slow towards the mania. For a moment I owned it, the idea that I could be my own worst nightmare. That was fun. Later my professor said “it’s always interesting who decides to be the killer”. I’ve since been wondering what he meant by that. Hmm.

There’s no segue for the next thing I wanna mention, so I’ll just dive in. Caffeine withdrawal is no joke. I guess this is coming full circle, since I’m relating back to Polaroid Stories and the amount of coffee I consumed during that entire process. It was a lot. Before every rehearsal without fail. And it was always my second trip to Starbucks of the day too. I swear, I pledge allegiance to the SBucks. And that’s a little embarrassing. And moderately expensive. Which was never a problem because coffee is the ONLY thing I spend money on. Except for recently… because retail therapy is also not a joke. I took myself out shopping after our cast dinner Sunday to make myself feel better. And tonight I somehow found myself at Barnes and Nobles buying plays, even though I made a pact with myself I wouldn’t get anymore until I got through all the unread ones that are currently sitting on my shelf. Whoops. But I also got these cool metal puzzle things to use in Meisner as an activity. So there ya go. My spending is totally justified.

I don’t know where this is even going. I don’t even know why I’m still awake. I’m still stuck on my production sleeping schedule, which basically pushes my bedtime to 2AM, but that’s totally unnecessary right now. So there. I guess I’m going to bed now.